No one talks about pregnancy loss.
No one talks about the GRIEF that comes along with that loss.
And most certainly, no one talks about what happens to your body and your mind the moment your pregnancy is over and ending…well I’m not sure. I haven’t reached the end and, quite honestly, I’m not sure there is one.
I can’t tell you it would have made the experience any easier to know these things ahead of time, but I can say it would have been the slightest bit helpful to know a fraction of what to expect when that loss occurs beyond 20 weeks.
You will know the second you are
no longer pregnant.
When I woke up from surgery, I was immediately aware of the bruises from the IV, the soreness from being intubated, and the headache from the pain killers.
I was also vastly aware of the fact that I was no longer pregnant.
In the same way I immediately knew I was pregnant (I stepped out of my brother’s truck and got lightheaded at three weeks), I also knew the moment I wasn’t.
It’s not a gradual change where you are pregnant and then you see your child and adapt to your new life – it’s more like the world’s brightest light, beaming and then flipping, plummeting your world into pitch darkness.
You (probably) won’t get a birth certificate
While different in every state, I believe in Minnesota the cutoff is 24 weeks to get a birth certificate.
This means that we missed the deadline by a week and a half.
Be sure (if you would like) to ask your surgeon for foot/handprints. We also did not get the option to hold her, so it meant a lot to me for us to receive her foot and handprints to keep in her box at our home.
You will immediately want to be
pregnant again (at first).
I spoke about this in my Instagram post here.
Initially I wanted to leave the hospital, go home and get pregnant again. Honestly, I would’ve tried to get pregnant again IN the hospital if it wasn’t for the mandated four weeks of recovery. The ominous feeling of letting my husband down; telling him he gets to be a dad and then having to take it back. I thought if I could immediately get pregnant again, everything would be ok. We could seamlessly move past what had occurred and focus on a new pregnancy.
The night sweats will RAGE
Same as with a full-term pregnancy, your hormone levels will begin to drop. And let me tell you, 10/10 do not recommend night sweats – especially when you are brutally unprepared.
I would wake up once, sometimes twice a night to shower and change our sheets.
It was helpful to sleep on a towel – that way when I woke up and had to shower, I didn’t have to wake Gregg up to change the sheets. I could just take the towel off and go back to bed. I also made sure to sleep in full cotton pajamas with an ice pack between my legs (seriously – it’s a glamorous endeavor).
Your milk will (probably) come in
If you’ve never woken up, looked in the mirror and saw a giant stain on your shirt, you are in for a WILD surprise.
No one told me that my milk would come in (my Doctor later informed me that he was hoping because I wasn’t 23 weeks or further, I wouldn’t experience this. He was wrong).
It’s best to try and leave it alone as much as possible; you will want to think of things to do, or believe if you express it, the milk will run out. Nerp.
Breast milk runs on supply and demand; stop trying to fix it (take away the “demand”) and eventually it will stop. There’s no trick around this, and it is another reminder that you are no longer pregnant – but it’s important to know about ahead of time so you can prepare.
Boobs.
Our first night out with friends the Saturday after, I made us all go to Target right after dinner so I could get a different bra. Seriously – the pain and discomfort you will feel is unimaginable.
Not unbearable (especially compared to surgery) but made more painful by the notion that your boobs hurt and you don’t have a child to show for it.
This bra from Target saved me. Try to purchase one size up, as it’s not about support at this point – it’s about comfort.
You may feel ghost kicks
One of the worst parts of losing a pregnancy so late, is that you will have ghost kicks. Even though I immediately didn’t feel pregnant when I woke up from surgery, I began to feel kicks about two weeks later. I still feel kicks in my stomach (rarely) and remind myself that it will pass.
I’ve read that it can happen after pregnancy, I was just hoping that it wouldn’t happen if you don’t get to finish that adventure.
When you feel them, it may also be instinct to rub your stomach, as you had for the past several weeks when the kicking started – it sucks, but if it makes you feel somehow closer to your angel baby, then it could be a positive thing.
You won’t be happy for new pregnancies
You won’t.
And not in a “well I’m happy for them but I’m also sad”.
No, you won’t feel happy at all.
You will feel as though the entire world is against you and, in some way, that they stole this experience from you. You may eventually be happy for them and want to celebrate but for the most part no, you won’t be.
And that’s ok too – you have gone through something so much more traumatic than I ever thought possible, and your journey is your journey.
The pregnancy weight does not
drop immediately
I just put on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans last Saturday, and they finally fit.
They were tight, but they fit.
After pregnancy, much of the baby weight drops with breastfeeding – you don’t breastfeed when your child doesn’t make it. You won’t want to wear maternity clothes, but you won’t be able to wear pre-pregnancy clothes. It’s a terrible leggings and husband’s sweatshirts limbo you will reside in, for however long you need.
Give yourself grace
You will want to remember your child forever and ever.
As you should.
Below are some things that we have done to commemorate Raya and keep her here with us. Please do not feel as though you need to do all of them, or even one of them. Your journey is your journey, and the way you choose to grieve and survive is up to you.
Hand/Footprints – Be sure to ask your surgeon before you go under. They will most likely give them to your partner to hold on to.
Commemorative jewelry – I purchased this “R” ring on our wedding anniversary (which, by the way, was a week after my surgery. We spent it getting our blood drawn to test if we were carriers of what it was that took Raya – try to tell us we don’t know how to have a good time).
The girls I train also got me an “R” necklace, which I added to my recovery necklace and never, ever remove.
Remembrance box – I purchased a beautiful box to keep everything in for Raya – every card friends/family sent us, her hand/footprints, my hospital bracelets, and the s’mores onesie my mom purchased for her. I like to know that it’s not all sitting in a tub somewhere – it’s displayed in my office so she is with me every day.
Cardinal figurine – Seeing a cardinal is a sign that someone from Heaven is visiting you. About a month after the loss, I saw a cardinal in our neighbors’ yard. That same day, I was shopping with my mom and she purchased me a cardinal that also sits in my office watching over me.
Tattoo – We haven’t gotten ours yet (I have mine planned but Gregg wants to be sure of what he wants before we go, which I guess is fair). This obviously isn’t for everyone, but it’s certainly the one I am most excited for.
Remembrance cemetery – Depending on which hospital you go to, they may give you different information. Raya is buried at a Remembrance Cemetery here in Minnesota – she does not have a gravestone but she was buried near a fountain specifically for babies and children who lost their fight, or who were not given a life to fight for. You don’t have to visit your child if you do not wish, but it is something we plan to do on Raya’s due date.
The number of individuals that messaged me after I first posted our goodbye to Raya (here) saying they have gone through a miscarriage or pregnancy loss was incredible, and it hurt me to think that they maybe had to go through that without additional support.
Because as hard as it was to have people look at me like I was broken (which, in a way, I was) sharing the grief also brought about so many kind souls that made our first couple of weeks without Raya survivable.
I hope that if you have gone through this, you know how incredible you are, and how loved your child is.
If you are about to go through this (or know someone that is) I hope you’ve received some clarity.
If you haven’t gone through this, I pray you never do.
You have such a beautiful gift of expressing your heart and feelings through the written word. I know that many will be helped through your sharing. We pray for you abs Greg every night. We will continue. Love