DISCLAIMER: Gregg and I are incredibly grateful for the support we have received after losing Raya. This post is not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings (though it shouldn’t, since none of these occurred from anyone we know personally). Sometimes you have to look at traumatic situations with a sense of humor to get through the day so please take these with a grain of pink Himalayan salt (the Home Goods kind).
There are so many things that occur once you go through pregnancy loss: body changes, hormone changes, sadness, fear, grief, etc.
What no one seems to talk about are the things that, quite simply, piss you the f*** off.
So buckle up girl, I got you.
Target/Home Goods/Etc.
It does not matter what you need at Target, you WILL have to pass the baby section; there is no way around it.
Why they don’t make a separate Target Baby store is beyond me.
Dear Target, get your ish together – just take all the new Apple stores you’re adding & put them in PLACE of the baby department.
And don’t even get me started on Home Goods and their beautiful array of baby/child décor – take it away, all of it.
“You can always try again”
Like…sex?
Oh, conceiving a child.
I mean yes, maybe, but you have no idea whatsoever.
You don’t know if we’re able to have more kids.
You don’t know how long it may have taken us to get pregnant this time, nor do you understand the concept of sensitivity, apparently (no worries, it’s a tough one).
You’re right – we could try again.
But that baby won’t be *insert lost child’s name here* so in the kindest way possible, bite me.
“It just wasn’t the right time”
You mean the 22.5 weeks of pregnancy?
The world was so behind on its commitments that it took five months for it to realize “oh shoot, wrong parents – it isn’t their time”.
Again, politely, bite me.
“We struggled for like five years to have a healthy pregnancy”.
1 – my PREGNANCY was healthy, until the very last moment when it was going to kill me.
2 – who taught you to talk to other humans?
I LOVED (probably not the right word) hearing about others that had gone through pregnancy loss and/or miscarriage because it did make me feel less alone and it was nice to connect in that way – it’s the sole individual that insisted on telling me every gory detail of their five years of trying that independently pissed me off.
I do understand it is a struggle and I DEFINITELY want to hear about it another time and allow you to process but just, like, read the room.
"Have you had closure?"
I lost my child.
So no, but thanks.
Grief doesn’t end after surgery.
It doesn’t end after the due date.
It doesn’t end when the snow melts or the oven timer goes off.
There’s knowing I won’t have a child this Easter to buy an Easter basket for.
I won’t be able to sit her outside with me in the summer while I pretend to do yardwork until my husband gets fed up and does it for me.
I won’t have a 10-month old next Christmas learning to pull herself up and play with toys.
So no, there is no closure.
But for real, super thanks.
"Do you have kids?"
What happened to “how’s the weather?”
PETITIONING TO BRING THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.
I’ve answered this question so many ways.
Well, two.
Well, one.
I’ve said no and then retraced my steps to say yes, and I’ve flat out held an incredibly not awkward at all 20-second pause before explaining how I technically do have one.
Either way, 10/10 do not recommend asking.
Ever.
K thanks.
Working out
Your body does some crazy ish while pregnant.
You can’t get your heart rate above a certain percentage (ask YOUR doctor about that), you get winded going up and down the stairs and you can’t lift heavy.
And then your pregnancy ends and you’re cleared to workout but you don’t just go right back to pre-pregnancy abilities.
Oh no, that would be too easy.
You must start at ground zero and work your way back up.
And they’re right – losing baby weight is difficult.
Especially when you didn’t get to fulfil your pregnancy and do not have breastfeeding to help, or a baby to focus your attention on.
I’ve found solace in leggings.
Not that that’s different from any other season of life.
Wine & Sushi
“Hey, at least you can have a drink tonight!”
No, nope, I can’t.
Because on the .5% chance I will ovulate and be pregnant, I do not want to risk losing that opportunity.
It doesn’t matter what day of your cycle you are on, you do not want to mess with even the smallest chance you may have conceived again.
If I want a drink, I will drink on the day I get my period – that is it.
And honestly, not even then. Because the one time I tried to be a wine drinker I used a corkscrew to open up what ended up being a screw top so I don’t think that’s meant to be.
No more sushi, no more alcohol, no massive amounts of caffeine – it’s just like being pregnant only you’re not so it’s totally not worth it & completely different.
Pregnancy Announcements
Scientific fact: not a single human in my Facebook group of friends has been pregnant until I lost mine.
Accurate.
In the weeks after surgery, there was at least one pregnancy announcement EVERY DAMN DAY (trust me, Gregg and I kept track).
And as much as it hurts to see, you also will keep a mental list of each of those individuals and PRAY their pregnancy goes well.
Because as upsetting as it was to go through it and not have anyone understand what it was like, you don’t EVER want someone else to have to find out.
Registry Reminders
When you first find out you’re pregnant, you register for every free thing imaginable.
Because, free stuff.
However, no matter how many people find out about your loss, word never seems to get back to Amazon or Similac or Target.
You will continue to receive emails and, better yet, the free “your due date is near” packages that arrive ON YOUR DOORSTEP.
So fun.
That sums up the initial 10 things I hate about pregnancy loss. There are infinitely more however, I’ve probably already brought down the room enough for one day so I will end here.
As always, know that you are not alone, that I am here for you, and that sometimes saying “that sucks” is the perfect response to a shitty situation.
Also please remember that, should you find the number of posts regarding pregnancy loss pathetic or “wallow-y”, it is free to unfollow and/or not click on a link ♥
