November 29, 2022
31w6d
Tomorrow, I will be 32 weeks.
The next day, we have our growth ultrasound.
It should be a standard procedure. There’s the baby, this is how she’s measuring, here’s her nose that poor girl gets from her mother, blah blah blah.
But my anxiety has a different presentation in mind, and the thought of it terrifies me.
I find myself praying longer and more often with each day that passes, hoping my pleas to God will carry me to and through a successful and positive ultrasound on Thursday.
Because just the thought of being in that room is enough to make me want to cancel the appointment.
December 21, 2022
35w0d
Evidently I did not need to process our ultrasound as I have not written since two days prior….but it went well – baby looked beautiful, they said (confirmed she does NOT have a large nose like me which naturally, Gregg asked about)
We just got back from our babymoon with our sweet friends in Duluth – we had so much fun and I loved getting to spend time with Gregg just us two before the baby arrives.
Today I got a call from Jenny.
Jenny is a Nurse Navigator for the hospital we plan to deliver at. According to her intro when I answered, she “reaches out to those families with a previous loss that have registered for delivery”.
My heart burst and dropped all at once.
Dropped like it always does when I explain Raya to someone new.
Burst because the idea that someone thought to create a program to reach out to families like ours is such an incredible light that I almost didn’t think what she was saying was real.
We talked a little longer about the process and how she would come say hi if she was working during delivery.
I’m still terrified, even this close to the end.
Holding on as tight as I possibly can.
Preparing the nursery, washing clothes, filing for FMLA, all the things.
Just in case this blessing does become a reality.
Just in case.
January 17, 2023
38w6d
If you could get dizzy from a mental teeter totter, I would be unwell.
Every day it’s back & forth between wanting her here/being so excited to see her and meet her, and being terrified for the actual birth and wanting to stay pregnant forever where I at least know she’s safe.
It’s a fear I can’t even bring myself to vocalize.
January 25, 2023
40w0d
Today is my due date, and I’m fairly certain labor has started.
I woke up at 6 this morning with cramps that were more than cramps but less than a rattle snake wrapping itself around my gut.
The on-call doctor told me to continue with my day & just “monitor things”
Oh….ok, sure.
So I went to work, timed my contractions, thought about labor, dodged my boss’ gaze when she asked if I needed to go home.
Tonight, the contractions became more intense. I’m tracking them as they are getting a little bit closer together.
Gregg has set up a new TV in our bedroom so I guess I’ll just be here watching Very Cavallari & tapping my phone as contractions start and stop.
I also showered & washed my hair since, you know…labor and stuff.
I think tomorrow might be the day. But also, I don’t have anything to compare it to so…cool.
January 26, 2023
Welcome, sweet girl
She’s here. My goodness gracious, she is here.
We got to the hospital around 4am & I was 5 centimeters dilated (which thank goodness, because part of me was concerned the pain I was feeling was me at 2 centimeters & that it was going to get so much worse and/or they were going to send me home).
I got the epidural (Bless all that is Good & Holy in the world)
My Doctor came in at 7:45 & I was at 9 centimeters so he broke my water; the strangest feeling (you know, besides actually giving birth of course) & we waited.
At 11:10am (the exact time my appointment with my doc was scheduled for anyway) I started to push.
At 12:10pm, my sweet girl was born. She came out abruptly and the doctor laid her on me as she peed on my apple watch (merp).
Just as fast as she came out, they took her away to the NICU cart to tube her – my sweet girl had meconium in her & I could all but feel the anxiety I had all pregnancy leave and come right back the moment they took her from me.
About 5-10 minutes later, they brought her back & I stared at her and held her and told myself over and over again that this was not a dream.
That I get to hold and love and raise this incredible little human.
I get to feed her & teach her to be a nice kid & dance at her wedding when she marries the man of her dreams.
I get to dress her & console her & watch her love her daddy more than anyone else in the world.
She’s actually here.
Just…wow.
I have not stopped thanking God & praying for her continued health and safety since she came out.
I’m still in shock.
She’s here.
She’s actually here.
My sweet baby girl Zoey Rae Nordby (after her angel sister).
She’s here.
She’s here.
